I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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