Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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