and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
