I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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