brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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