pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
