I feel great
I just peed on a car
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
