You work out of a Hotel?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
