We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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