he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
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The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
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I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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