Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
