I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
where are my eyebrows?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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