someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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