I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
