we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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