genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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