Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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