I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
