last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
