I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
