she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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