even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
