i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
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