did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
