You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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