I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
