I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
