Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
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i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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