I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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