Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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