He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
