It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
