im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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