the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
