i was born a porn star she said
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
