Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
