guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize