I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
