In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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