About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
