SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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