A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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