We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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