I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
