I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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