ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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