I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
