Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
