I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
