The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
