So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
