He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
