please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
