I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
