It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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